Why Are So Quiet/Talk To Me

I touched on this topic a while ago with Silence Is Golden. I wanted to return to it again today. Of all the questions I regularly receive, the one that most distresses me is:
Why are you so quiet?
Followed by
Talk to me.

Generally these two sentences come from people who know me well and they are aware of my personality. I think that’s why I get agitated each time I’m asked this. Most of the time they want to engage in small talk. A few of them are uncomfortable with silence. They feel like maybe the person not talking is angry. In my case as with many introverts, small talk is cringeworthy. We’d rather stay quiet then engage if there is nothing fulfilling to discuss.

 

 

 

Ask me about my passions and I won’t shut up.
Ask me about the latest book I’m reading.
Ask me where I last took my camera.
Ask me what I’m writing.

 

Get me to engage about what makes me tick, then you’ll be wishing for blessed silence.
Introverts are only quiet when someone tries engage them in small talk.
Introverts are only quiet when they need time to recharge.
Introverts are only quiet when they are sizing up a new possible friend.

 

I don’t know if it’s an introvert trait. I’ve never asked other introverts. As for me, I can generally tell within ten minutes of meeting someone for the first time what kind of relationship we will have going forward.
If we’re just going to pass through for a temporary time.
If we’re going to stay in touch occasionally
OR
If we’re going to be bonded for life.

 

My radar for determining how a relationship will come to pass has been pretty spot on. Can another introvert let me know whether they’re radar works the same way? Can my fellow introverts determine fairly quickly what kind of relationship they will have after a short time?

 

If the people in my life would only understand how I feel when they attempt to engage me in small talk and stop asking me why I’m so quiet, I’d be in a better position to engage.

 

Am I the only one?

 

Be Happy!  Be Well! Be Positive!
Blessings to you.

Chris

Once you realize that life is eternal,
That our souls our eternal,
That we return to light and physical over and over;
We then lose all our distress
We then lose all our fear of dying.  For there truly is no end.

 

The Color Blue

As I started to get ready for work one day in February, I grabbed a sweater.  I then started going through all the sweaters I own and realized how much I am drawn to the color blue.  Over three quarters of the sweaters I own are different shades of that color. Once that became apparent, I saw how much blue is in my life:

 

Image from:
Wikipedia

My bedroom curtains
My iPhone case
My computer cover
My two water bottles

My portable bluetooth speaker
Two of my winter jackets
Many sweaters/sweatshirts are some shade of blue.

 

And here’s the funny thing about that:
My conscious color choice is burgundy.  

 

However, it’s the unconscious choice that I believe is more important.  For that’s the choice I believe that reflects who I truly am, because I chose it without any knowledge of why I chose it.  As I look back at all the color blue that surrounds me I am truly in awe.  

 

Unconsciously, my color of choice is blue.  I had no idea how much the color blue has influenced my life.  Once i saw this, I started ruminating on how color influences our lives and what each color means to us.  What our favorite color, the color we choose either, consciously, or unconsciously, says about us:
If blue is your favorite color you love harmony, are reliable, sensitive and always make an effort to think of others.  You like to keep things clean and tidy and feel that stability is the most important aspect in life.

From:
Psychology Today

 

Many of these traits line up with my Introversion/INFP personality:

Sensitivity and thinking of others before yourself are certainly traits I have and they correlate well with  the INFP personality type.

 

If you look at the first two traits under INFP Strengths on this page that describes INFPs you’ll clearly see this is correct:
INFP Relationships

 

I found fascinating information about how the color I chose rather unconsciously matches up with my introvert personality.  I wonder how many other people are choosing colors unaware of their choice and what it says about their own personalities.

 

Be Happy!  Be Well! Be Positive!
Blessings to you.

Chris

Once you realize that life is eternal,
That our souls our eternal,
That we return to light and physical over and over;

We then lose all our distress
We then lose all our fear of dying.  For there truly is no end.

 

Introverts and Public Speaking

Two quotes today from Introvert Dear that relates to this column:
It’s not the antagonism of the crowd that bothers me, I can handle that. It’s the after-debate party that terrifies me.

Most people would feel relaxed at a party and sink into terror at the thought addressing a large crowd. For me, it was the other way round.


Someone at my November, 2018 book launch took this picture of me speaking.  Wish I remembered/knew. I would gladly give credit. It could have been any number of family or friends.

Many who have introverts in their circle tend to make inferences based on what they THINK they know:
Introverts don’t like people.
Introverts are too quiet.
Introverts always want to be alone.

 

Introverts fear public speaking:
This is where I’m focusing today.  One of the traits that many introverts share is the discomfort of small talk, the discomfort of being in large group expecting to interact socially with individuals we don’t know or are not comfortable with, in other words engaging in rudimentary small talk.  However get an introvert to talk about what excites them, what they love doing and speaking about it in front of a crowd, in other words, public speaking about their passion and you’ll never shut them up.

 

I’m like that.  I have a few other challenges that creep in when I speak though.  I sometimes find it difficult to get the words out when I begin talking.  I have a tendency to block. For a long time I avoided public speaking because I felt self conscious about this.  The more speaking I do however, I find that I’m less intimidated and it has become easier t deal with this. As this quote suggests:

Most people would feel relaxed at a party and sink into terror at the thought addressing a large crowd. For me, it was the other way round.

 

It’s exactly how I feel.  I’m so much more comfortable standing in front of a crowd discussing my passion, because I know I’m what I saying is true and I get to talk about what I love.  Get me in front of people where I have to interact socially that’s when things tend to go awry. I’m uncomfortable making small talk. I actually don’t like it.  Small talk is not genuine and I’d rather run and hide, find a safe place to regroup. That’s why many times when I’m at a social event, whether it be a family party or a business event, you’ll find me on the periphery, usually standing alone, away from the crowd.  I’m not sure how to act when I’m in a crowd, unless I’m speaking about something that people are there to hear.

 

Public speaking no longer intimidates me.  It’s social events that leave me feeling claustrophobic, causing the fight or flight mode.  And typically I choose flight. When engagement overwhelms me, I will run away to a quiet place and regroup.  Some may think that aloof, indifferent, detached. It isn’t. Simply put escaping is my defense mechanism. Over stimulation causes an introvert to shut down and they need time to regroup.  Unfortunately, many people take an introvert’s quirks and contorts them to fit a specific set of rules they feel are right. People not on the introversion scale have a tendency to try and draw the introvert out with questions like:
Is everything okay?
Why are you so quiet?

 

This doesn’t help the introvert.  In fact it does more harm to their already sense that there is something wrong with them and they need to be fixed.  An introvert can’t be and shouldn’t want to be fixed.

 

Speaking of people putting introverts into a box, squeezing them into their preconceived notions of the way introverts should behave, we don’t all behave the same way.  Some of us shrink from public speaking. Me? Not so much.

 

I’d rather be up on a podium addressing a group of people who are interested in what I have to say about one of my particular passions; then sitting around people I don’t really know well and be expected to introduce myself and do a round of small talk.  How bout you?

 

 

Be Happy!  Be Well! Be Positive!
Blessings to you.

Chris

Once you realize that life is eternal,
That our souls our eternal,
That we return to light and physical over and over;

We then lose all our distress
We then lose all our fear of dying.  For there truly is no end.

 

Go To Your Room?

The last couple of months I’ve written about my NDE  as a theme.  That was planned.  This month, an unplanned theme evolved:
Introversion/INFP.  As of this writing, there are three columns in this theme.

 

Enjoy:
Telling an introvert child to go to their room after doing something wrong may not be the deterrent  you thought. We know that introverts thrive on alone time and family should be aware of their children’s personality type by the time they’re old enough to start needing discipline.

 

Image from:
Flickr

You should consider other deterrents to keep your introverted child on the right path.  Sending an introverted child to their room after doing something wrong may have the opposite effect of deterrence, not the child won’t understand they are being scolded.  They will. However, that child will likely find solace in the alone time, especially if she were acting out because she’d had too much together time. Let’s not forget that introverts can handle only so much people time.  If they’ve been over saturated, the introvert will lash out, they will run and hide or they will shut down. Scolding a child for their natural behavior may not be in the best interest of the child or the parents. It could lead to further disruptive behavior.

 

I’m not saying to scold your child by putting them in a situation where they will be more uncomfortable.  Maybe sit down and discuss what YOU THINK they did that needed to be reprimanded. If you’re open with them, you may discover something about your own parenting.  You may discover something about your child as well. Don’t be so quick to judge. Don’t judge without first considering what you are judging. Just like don’t say the first thing that comes to your mind.  

 

Weigh your words, your judgements and your actions carefully BEFORE putting them out, because one your words, your actions and your judgements are out there, they can’t be put back.  Those things can hurt anyone. Introverts are especially vulnerable to being emotionally scarred. Be careful when you consider doing hurtful things do an introvert. They may recover, but they may shut you out of their lives if you continue to hurt them.

 

Teaching children right from wrong, scolding them when they’ve done wrong is an important part of growing up.  It’s important however, to take into account the type of child you have. You can’t reprimand all children in the same way.  Not everyone responds in comparable fashion. It’s your task as a parent to understand your child’s personality and what works as deterrence and what doesn’t.  Reprimanding bad behavior should be part of growing up. However, you don’t want your son or daughter to wind up being distant either physically or emotionally when they are adults because you hurt them.  I’m not saying that reprimanding bad behavior shouldn’t happen, because you want to be your child’s best friend. Just that you have to consider the best way to scold your children and to follow up on the topic of today’s column, sending an introvert to their room might NOT be the BEST solution when we all understand that introverts crave alone time.

 

Just something to take under advisement.

 

Be Happy!  Be Well! Be Positive!
Blessings to you.

Chris

Once you realize that life is eternal,
That our souls our eternal,
That we return to light and physical over and over;

We then lose all our distress
We then lose all our fear of dying.  For there truly is no end.

 

Even When I’m Alone

Even when I’m alone I have real good company — dreams and imaginations and pretendings. I like to be alone now and then, just to think over things and taste them.

 

IM Montgomery
Anne’s House of Dreams

 

Writers, musicians and all types of artists can probably relate to Montgomery’s above quote.
–Alone is when my creativity prospers.
–Alone is when I spend my most creative time.  When I write, when I’m out with my camera.
–Alone is when I edit both my photography and my written word.

 

Image from:
PixHere

 

As IM Montgomery says:
Even when I’m alone I have real good company
INFPs and introverts are imagination focused.  They have a deep imagination. They love the fantastic.  Being focused on imagination, I clearly understand Montgomery and I believe she falls on the INFP/J introvert scale, just by reading the above quote.  

 

 

Like, Montgomery, I’m also seldom lonely.  As I’ve mentioned at Wisdom and Life several times over, there is a vast difference from being alone and feeling lonely.  Being an INFP as can be seen from my blog, I need down time after spending a day with people, especially extroverts.  Having time to decompress is important for the introvert/INFP personality. It’s how we survive. Even when we are out with friends and family, we can shut down.  The last thing an introvert/INFP wants to hear is:
Why are you so quiet?

 

Being quiet in the face of noise is how we cope.  Sometimes we are quiet because as artists, we are formulating new plotlines, new topics to write about for that weekly column, a new place to go with our cameras or paint with our canvas and easel    

 

Or we may just need to decompress when we can.  So if you know your friend or family member is on the introvert scale, be mindful when you ask that question.  It may create more tension. Your friend or family may shut down further or could even lash out and say something they don’t really mean.  Not all artists are introverts and not all introverts are artists, however there is a large contingent of introverts who fall into creative careers.  It’s because art is created alone and art can be a healthy release.

 

Writing helped me release the negative energy I had.  And because I went through so much growing up, my fiction turned dark.  As I went back through my old writings however, I also saw a shard of light shining through the darkness.  Most of my dark fiction ended on a positive note. Even though what I went through as a child, I somehow instinctively knew that life would get better.  I see that more now as I delved back into the dark fiction I wrote some thirty plus years ago. I believe this blog, Wisdom and Life is a natural outgrowth of my dark fiction years.  

 

As I’ve also said here countless times, I no longer feel the need to write dark fiction, because I came through that period and I now live my life in the light.  I see life as a gift. I see there is always a way out. I’ve found another way to thrive. My spirituality and my faith are the gift that helped me. I wouldn’t be where I am today were it not for that gift.  And speaking of gifts:
We all have them.  Gifts, that is.

 

 

This blog has been a gift for me and even though I take breaks from it now and then, I can’t imagine leaving it entirely.  It is completely antithetical to the fiction I wrote when I was writing fiction. That’s because I’m in a different place as I said above.  I learned that everything happens for a reason and that my faith has helped me realize that God is always there. God is the guiding force in my life now.  My faith, my spirituality is the guiding force in my life.

 

What about you?

 

Be Happy!  Be Well! Be Positive!
Blessings to you.

Chris

Once you realize that life is eternal,
That our souls our eternal,
That we return to light and physical over and over;
We then lose all our distress
We then lose all our fear of dying.  For there truly is no end.

 

Introverts Are Walking Contradictions

Wisdom and Life is going on Hiatus
for the month of August and perhaps September

I will continue writing:
CJPPhotoNews

That’s my photography blog.
if you want to follow that.
There’s a gold sign up button to the right
on the top of the blog
if you want to receive my weekly columns
in your email.

 

As a follow-up to last week’s column:
Are You Giving Yourself Enough “Me” Time
I want to say that it MAY SEEM as if I don’t like being around people. That couldn’t be further from the truth. I don’t like being in crowds, at huge functions. Introverts tend to stand off in a corner or stand alone when faced with lots of people.

 

If you see someone standing by themselves at a function, then you have to make the first move. Get an introvert to talk about what makes them tick and you won’t ever hear the end. Introverts don’t enjoy small talk.  They’d rather disappear then involve themselves in the inanity of what the weather is like, or how your day is going. Introverts crave deep meaning in their relationships. They may not have a plethora of friends. Several close relationships outside of family is all they really need.

 

Any more and they will look for a means of escape.

 

Those fortunate enough to break through the walls, can count on the introvert to be in their lives through anything.  Introverts will lay their lives on the line for those in their small circle. Break that trust, however, and you’ll find it tremendously challenging to get it back.  

 

Introverts, when emotionally wounded by someone, sometimes will not let the person who hurt them back in.  You may not even know why. For the introvert may simply ignore your calls, may block you from reaching out.  As with crowds and small talk, introverts abhor conflict. They will do just about anything to avoid it. They are uncomfortable speaking out to defend themselves when they feel they’ve been embarrassed, provoked.

 

They will shut down, avoid you, if you lash out at them in public. They will find that inner place in their soul where they can regroup.  It may take hours for them to return to the world. So consider your words and actions carefully when you have an introvert in your life. Consider your words and actions carefully with ANYONE in your life for that matter.

 

Introverts are walking contradictions.  On the one hand, they may seem aloof. They don’t interact well in crowds. Remove the crowd, get them one on one and you’ll see a COMPLETELY different person.  Avoid small talk, find the deeper conversation and watch the introvert become almost extroverted when interacting with you.  Above all, don’t attempt to remake the introvert. Do NOT expect them to become an extrovert. Accept them for who they are and you’ll have a friend for life if you so choose to.

 

Be Happy!  Be Well! Be Positive!
Blessings to you.

Chris

Once you realize that life is eternal,
That our souls our eternal,
That we return to light and physical over and over;
We then lose all our distress
We then lose all our fear of dying.  For there truly is no end.

 

Are You Giving Yourself Enough “Me” Time?

Being an introvert at heart, I need more “ME” time than others may. As with writing, if I don’t get enough alone time I get irritable. I snap at people when I don’t necessarily mean to. It’s why I sometimes bail on pre planned events. Understand it has nothing to do with those people I made plans with and everything to do with me.

 

Image from:
Flickr

Being an introvert at heart, I’ve always known I needed extra time to come down from activity but it wasn’t until a little over a year ago that I understand why. I’d been seeing the Myers-Briggs tests pop up all over the Internet and finally decided to see what they were all about. After taking a few tests over the course of a week or so I discovered that I was on the INFP scale. Everything finally fell into place for me and I understood WHY I required so much downtime.

 

Being an introvert at heart, can have its detriment.

My friends and family can sometimes misinterpret my needed “ME” time for being antisocial. Seeing as several people I’m my circle are extroverted, they get especially anxious (and I use that word for lack of a stronger word) when I decline invitations.

 

After a full day at work where I HAVE to be on, the LAST thing I want to do is to go out and be on. It’s why I love living alone.  I can go home and decompress, relax and write. Writing, as anyone who truly understands who I am is how I decompress. If I don’t have time to be alone I don’t fare well with others.
I wind up snapping when I shouldn’t.
I wind up creating friction.
I wind up finding somewhere to hide if I’m out with people

 

Being an introvert at heart, I don’t know that I could EVER live with someone full time, unless there was a safe place for me to run away to when I needed to decompress.  This could be one factor why I haven’t been successful in finding a long term relationship. What I want from a relationship might not exist. MOST of the time I’m pretty happy with the way my life is proceeding.  Loneliness doesn’t enter into my lexicon all that often. When it does, it vanishes almost as quickly as it arrived. I WOULD sometimes like to have a close friendship with someone who understands that when I need to pull away it has nothing to do with them.  

Being an introvert at heart can be challenging when I’m doing my best to find a relationship.

Because I need time to myself when embarking on a new friendship whether, romantic or platonic, time needs to be devoted to building that trust, to finding common interests. It can cause ANY introvert a flaming desire to run if too much time is spent in the company of others. Typically, for myself, I can spend one on one time with someone after I’ve become comfortable.

 

A first time meeting is not a good thing to witness at least with me. I don’t know what interests the other person has and it can be quite awkward which probably explains why I don’t get many second chances. The few times I have, my relationships have succeeded beyond any expectation.

 

As long as my friends and family give me the latitude I need, my life and my current and new friendships will continue to prosper. I just need to learn to speak up when I’m becoming overloaded. Being an introvert at heart, however, it can be challenging for us  to speak up. We are much better at expressing ourselves through the written word. It’s why so many introverts thrive as writers and artists. Wwe just need to be given the proper respect we deserve and we can thrive during any circumstance that arises.

 

Be Happy!  Be Well! Be Positive!
Blessings to you.

Chris

Once you realize that life is eternal,
That our souls our eternal,
That we return to light and physical over and over;

We then lose all our distress
We then lose all our fear of dying.  For there truly is no end.

 

A Helping Hand Can Help You

When you see someone living something awful, a rocket of desire for their resolution shoots out of you. And then, if you start focusing upon their resolution, you’ll start feeling better right away. And now, you’re part of the current that is part of the solution.

Abraham-Hicks
May 7, 2018

 

Have you known this to happen?  If you’re in a low place and someone you know is in a lower place, see if reaching out to them and offering an ear, offering a hug, offering advice if they ask for it, you just may find yourself feeling better.

 

Image from:
Pixabay

 

One of my friends has told me repeatedly that she’d love to help me when she can clearly see that I’m in distress. She knows me so well that even when I THINK I’m hiding it well, she sees through the shade.  

 

One of my INFP personality traits is that I have a difficult time with sharing my challenges, EVEN with my closest friends and family. I’d rather help others deal with their own issues. I’m doing my best to overcome that, but after years of living that trait, it doesn’t come easy to stop doing so.  

 

I understand that by sharing our own challenges we show our vulnerability and that can deepen a relationship.  If we stay closed off, if we don’t share what is troubling us, our friends may look elsewhere for people who will.  If we long for an intimate relationship with another person, then:
–We have to learn to trust them.  
–We have to remove our own walls.

 

–Once we begin to show our vulnerabilities,
–Once we open our emotional wounds to those we trust or are trying to build trust with, we will find that relationship we have been searching for.

 

It won’t happen overnight.  However if you want to build commitment, if you want others to feel good about themselves when they are in distress, then it is important to let your own walls down.  Let others inside. Let them help you, because as Abraham-Hicks states above:
By helping someone else, you are also helping yourself.

 

The concentration is off your own challenges and onto someone else.  Thus you’re not dwelling on your own situation. Here’s a writing example for those who write:
Have you ever faced a situation where you’re blocked?  By moving to another project, whether it’s another writing project or some other creative endeavor you do on the side, your thought gets refocused on the new project, freeing you up.  Quite often by removing yourself from the block, you get unblocked because you’re no longer focused on that.

 

So my advice to those of you in the INFP personality who have a challenging time letting your guard down with your closest friends and family, think about how this affects THEM.  They may need to focus on something else while dealing with their own issues. Help them by letting them help you.

 

Be Happy!  Be Well! Be Positive!
Blessings to you.

Chris

Once you realize that life is eternal,
That our souls our eternal,
That we return to light and physical over and over;
We then lose all our distress
We then lose all our fear of dying.  For there truly is no end.

 

Silence is Golden

Because I’m on the introvert scale, I’d rather stay quiet than speak about inane topics.  The most uncomfortable tactics one can make to an introvert is:
Ask Why are you so quiet?
Draw an introvert into an unwanted conversation.
Influence them to join a group whether friends or family. 

 

Those approaches can cause an introvert to shut down even further.  

 

Image from:
Flickr

An introvert needs time to decompress when being inundated with the noise of the world.  If someone with introvert tendencies is asked to join in with a group, whether family or friends and they politely decline, then it is important to take them at their word.

 

Don’t influence them to do something that goes against their paradigm. Again, you will see them pull away further. Let the introvert come to you. Give them the space they require and you’ll build a stronger relationship with them. If you feel like they have pulled away, don’t take it personally, they may just need some “ME” time.

 

The INFP personality and the introvert are almost one in the same. These two personalities share many of the same traits which is why they are joined together.
INFPs need lot’s of “ME” time.
INFPs tend to be creative.
INFPs don’t engage in small talk

 

These are all traits that introverts share. If an INFP/introvert has befriended you, you should feel fortunate, for that personality type doesn’t let many people in. They are much more comfortable with themselves. They don’t get lonely often. That word doesn’t register in their lexicon.

 

Treat an INFP/introvert with the lessons above and you will have a friend for life. This personality tends to remain loyal sometimes to their detriment. Once an INFP/introvert lets you in they will fight to keep you in their lives.

 

If you break their trust, generally they will shut you out. They will hurt and take time to process that emotional distress and it will be generally more difficult for them to open up again. INFPS and introverts are trusting when they allow you into their small circle. Don’t break that trust.

 

Be Happy!  Be Well! Be Positive!
Blessings to you.

Chris

Once you realize that life is eternal,
That our souls our eternal,
That we return to light and physical over and over;
We then lose all our distress
We then lose all our fear of dying.  For there truly is no end.

 

Reveling in Solitude

Alone vs Loneliness.
Being an introvert has its positives and many people see those positives as negatives.

–Some see introverts as rude, because they don’t do small talk.
–Some see the tendency of the introvert’s need for alone time as out of sync with humanity, that people need people.

 

Image from:
Flickr

While that is ostensibly true, some of us who are introverts get burned out when we are “in the public eye” for long periods of time.  We need to decompress. And if we are influenced or forced to spend more time out, we will become more quiet, less likely to communicate.  We will find a solitary place in a crowd to decompress. We will hide.

 

When we are influenced to spend time with friends and family and we don’t want to, this action will conceivably bring more animus, with the introvert doubling down and finding a deeper hole to hide in.  So how do we merge these two dichotomous attributes and learn to live as an introvert and as someone who knows one?

 

I think the best approach one can take who knows an introvert is to learn to read the signs of your particular friend or family member.  If (s)he says I’d rather not do anything today then
–Don’t be insulted or hurt that they turned you down.  
–Don’t attempt to change their mind by creating guilt.
–Accept the choice and realize it has nothing to do with not wanting to see you it has more to do with taking care of themselves.

 

If the introvert IS out with you and they suddenly vanish again:
–Don’t be hurt.
–Don’t get angry at them.
–Don’t question the behavior.

It is the introvert’s method of ramping up again.

 

If you want to understand the introvert in your life better than you do now, I highly recommend reading what I believe is the introvert handbook:
Quiet:
The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking

 

If you are in the presence of an introvert and the introvert is noticeably quiet, the worst thing you can do is ask is something wrong?  Why are you so quiet? Nothing is wrong! It’s likely as stated above they are merely decompressing.

 

So what’s with the Two words at the top of this column:
Alone and Loneliness

 

I believe I’ve covered this at Wisdom and Life previously.  Being alone and feeling lonely are completely different. I’ve been fortunate to hardly ever feeling lonely.  I can’t say for sure because I’m the only test subject I’m aware of. However, realizing that I’m an introvert, I sometimes wonder whether loneliness is an attribute that introverts in general are not afflicted with.

 

Be Happy!  Be Well! Be Positive!
Blessings to you.

Chris

Once you realize that life is eternal,
That our souls our eternal,
That we return to light and physical over and over;
We then lose all our distress
We then lose all our fear of dying.  For there truly is no end.